Seven women were having lunch together to celebrate yet another retirement. We sat around the dining table listening to Jen describe what had happened after her friend and long-time neighbor Marnie died, when the big house had to be sold.
“Every time I heard the front door slam, I cringed and my chest tightened. They came out again and again to dump more of Marnie’s stuff into the big red dumpster sitting in the driveway of her house.” Jen loved Marnie and had been her neighbor for thirty-six years. She couldn’t bear to think about all those good times and memories—Marnie’s spirit— being unceremoniously discarded into a dirty dumpster.
Soon we started talking about our friends and our own stuff and what would happen after we died. Colleen had recently attended the funeral of a 104-year old lady who lived alone and stayed remarkably active. At the memorial service her family had created a display of many of her possessions and encouraged her friends to take something with them in memory of her.
Jill had a 50-year rule. When each of her four kids got to be 50, they were given a box with anything of theirs still left in the family home. No more excuses—they had to take their trophies, yearbooks, and mementos from proms and concerts or it would all be taken to the dump. I suspect removing those four boxes made only a ceremonial dent in the stuff still left in Jill’s home.
We spoke of many options and how we all handled our stuff. Jen is the minimalist in our group—she will definitely not have to worry about a big red dumpster in her driveway. I can’t say the same for Karen, a saver-of-every-childs’-artwork-and-Christmas-decoration-ever-made person. Meg has travelled extensively and has beautiful and meaningful mementos and art from these trips. I have moved and downsized since my children left home so I have less stuff and also less space, but I still have way too many books, my old dolls, and a wooden chest full of memories.
The truth is that most of us have lots of stuff we haven’t looked at or used for years. What is in those boxes in the garage or attic? Do you have candle sticks, serving dishes, albums, lace table cloths from your grandmother, and vintage clothing stashed away and long forgotten?
We have three options:
We can keep everything we ever enjoyed or cared about and choose not to think about the big red dumpster.
We can decide to keep in our home only things we use on a regular basis. We will not have to think about the big red dumpster because we know it will not be needed for our few possessions.
We can keep the big red dumpster in mind as we try to be wise about our possessions and mindful of our family members who will need to deal with what gets left behind.
Most of us probably select the third option. I know I do. To make this work, we must honestly admit that we will die one day and be willing to do some planning to make that death easier on everyone.
I have some experience with all of this for two reasons. First, I saw death regularly during my many years practicing radiation oncology, and, second, my first husband died when I was 48 years old. So, here is my advice.
1. Keep the image of the big red dumpster handy in your mind to help you make wise decisions about your stuff. Maybe the image will spur you to buy less and give away more. Or, maybe you will start a weekly or monthly project of sorting through a closet, drawer, shelf, or even one box in the attic.
2. Talk about and prepare for your death. Here is what I wrote at the end of “Till Death Do Us Part,” the chapter dealing with my husband’s illness and death from Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Journey, my recently-released book:
“First, some advice. Prepare a Last Will and Testament. If you have difficulty choosing a guardian for your children, just imagine someone else having to make that decision for you. The time to talk about death and dying is when you are alive and well. The organization Five Wishes encourages conversation and advanced planning and helps you to get it done. I recommend the book Being Mortal by Atul Gawande, as it will open your mind to ways of looking at the end years. Over the years I have repeatedly observed very ill patients undergoing futile treatment, such as weeks of ICU suffering leading to a death that was highly predictable at the time of admission. Sometimes this is unavoidable, but too often it occurs because no honest conversation has taken place between the medical team, the patient, and the family. The painful questions have not been asked: What is the benefit of this treatment? How long will it extend my life? Can it cure me? What are the risks of the treatment? What are the alternatives? What if I decide the risks...the days in the hospital...the operation...the breathing tube... are not worth it to me? Can you keep me comfortable? How can I die at home?” P 113
3. Don’t forget that digital stuff is still stuff that must be tended to. Who knows your passwords, your bank accounts, your automatic withdrawals, etc.? A survivor cannot simply dump all this into a dumpster, so each of us must do the loving and considerate thing to organize our records and include digital information in our will.
The day after the big red dumpster luncheon, I cleaned out a linen closet. My goal is to clean out one more closet before the end of September. Check on me and see if I’ve done it! And I’m up-to-date on advice #2 and #3. This frees me up to savor each day to the fullest. Be free!
SUGGESTIONS:
1. Read Being Mortal discussed above.
2. Please take your first steps today to create a Last Will and Testament if you have not yet done so. Five Wishes is excellent and AARP offers a useful guide.
2. Clean out one shelf, drawer, or file today or this weekend, keeping the big red dumpster foremost in your mind. Admire the end result, pat yourself on the back, and enjoy the rest of the day.
““Anything you cannot relinquish when it has outlived its usefulness possesses you, and in this materialistic age a great many of us are possessed by our possessions.””
My friends, I hope you are staying well. I am honored when you read my work and thrilled when you reach out to me. It just feels right to know we are journeying together.
P.S. Don’t forget to sign up for my monthly blog or follow me on Facebook or Donna Chacko on Twitter. If my message helps you in any way, please consider sharing it with others.
Dr. Donna Chacko promotes health of body, mind, and spirit through her website (serenityandhealth.com), her blog, and programs at her church. She is the author of the award-winning book and Amazon best-seller Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Journey (Luminare Press, 2021). You can read her full bio here.
Additional Reading
Do you control your phone habits? Or does your phone control you?