Am I a Good Listener?
It took me decades to learn that real listening was absolutely necessary if I wanted to enjoy health of body, mind, and spirit. For years I was too busy to listen to God, to others, and even to myself.
As a doctor and mother, I was always busy. I gradually stopped giving God any time or space in my life. Without quiet time for prayer and listening to God, I cut myself off from the wisdom and comfort that comes from walking with Jesus. It was desperation and crisis that finally drove me back to my knees. As I say about my difficult first marriage in my forthcoming book, Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Journey, “I prayed with increasing desperation to my God. I begged for a clear answer. What was I supposed to do? Was now the time for the divorce? I didn’t hear any answers. I could only see darkness.”
“I prayed with increasing desperation to my God.
I begged for a clear answer. What was I supposed to do?
Was now the time for the divorce? I didn’t hear any answers. I could only see darkness.”
My busyness also interfered with my listening to others, including my children. I admit that clearing up after dinner and getting the kids ready for bed on time were often more important to me than slowing down to listen to them. I first started musing about listening when I read Scott Peck’s classic The Road Less Travelled. He says, “By far the most important form of attention we can give our loved ones is listening . . . True listening is love in action.” He adds, “Listening well is an exercise of attention and by necessity hard work. It is because they do not realize this or because they are not willing to do the work that most people do not listen well.”
“By far the most important form of attention we can give our loved ones is listening . . . True listening is love in action.”
While seeing patients in the clinic, I did try to listen. But there were so many things to deal with during each visit, especially after I changed specialties to family medicine. Sometimes I was more concerned with getting the tasks done than I was with listening. I wonder how long I waited before interrupting my patients? The average for physicians is eleven seconds.
Outside of the clinic, I also interrupted people. I realized I was composing my response to others, rather than listening to them, while they were talking. Sometimes when listening to a lecture or speech, I would realize at the conclusion of the presentation that I had been occupied with thinking about my plans, worries, or ideas and had no idea what had been said. A classic example is daydreaming during the Gospel reading in Mass, until the final “Word of the Lord” is proclaimed and I realize I had missed most of the reading.
Is Listening an Act of Love?
As I spent more time in reflection and prayer, I started to be able to observe that I often operated with two mind channels active at the same time: one channel was thinking about the past or future, while the other was ostensibly paying attention to moment. Obviously, I wasn’t being a good listener during these times. I also came to understand how listening really is an act of love and that talking about myself or my interests to excess and interrupting is selfish. One day it struck me that to really listen I had to stop talking—though this should have been obvious. I still talk too much and listen too little—but I am making progress.
During my years working in Washington, DC, I experienced burnout. I just kept working, staying busy, and did not listen to my body’s complaints—headaches, pain, and irritability. Your body’s language may be different, perhaps insomnia, back pain, stomach aches, or rising blood pressure. Listen to your body. It may be trying to tell you that stress and unhealthy habits are contributing to your ailments or that you should go see your doctor—or both.
How to Slow Down and Become a Better Listener
To become a better listener, you must intentionally decide to make some changes. It ’s not enough to promise yourself that, “Starting tomorrow, I will be a better listener.” It is a process that requires intentional steps.
A good start is setting aside quiet time and space in your day to pause and listen. Sit and listen to your slow easy breaths going in and out. Five or ten minutes first thing each morning or before dinner or bedtime is enough to start.
Pay attention and savor each present moment. You will sometimes hear birds chirping, wind rustling the leaves, distant bells, moving music, or, as I was so fortunate to recently enjoy, the sound of ocean surf. Stop and savor these moments. Invite God to join you. This simple step of pausing, intentionally listening, and opening yourself to God’s presence is the necessary first step to a quiet mind, a prerequisite to listening. I’ve called this God-centered mindfulness and add my On-the-go Prayer throughout the day to help me stay in the present moment, where I must be if I want to listen and to find God.
This is not hyperbole or New Age gobbledygook. I’m 100% convinced that this first step of daily intentional listening will gradually lead you to take other steps and find more serenity, health, and closeness to God. Your relationships with God and others will improve and your stress will lessen--which contributes to better health and happiness. This is why listening is the #1 key to becoming holy, happy, and healthy.
SUGGESTIONS (FOR BECOMING A BETTER LISTENER)
1. Commit to a specific time and place to start your listening practice. Where, how long, what will you do? Options are breathing exercises; guided meditations to listen to sounds, your breathing, or music; or a prayer form like Centering Prayer that does not involve words, thoughts, or feelings.
2. Read more about how to be a good listener. I’m reading The Lost Art of Listening, Third Edition, by Michael P. Nichols, and it is terrific.
3. Read Sacrament of the Present Moment by Jean-Pierre de Caussade to learn more about savoring each moment—where God can be found. By the way, this book and Peck’s The Road Less Travelled (mentioned above) are my two favorite books.
4. Always remember what Sathya Sai Baba (and others) said: “Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve the silence?
5. Who is the best listener you can think of and what do you remember about those conversations? How did that person make you feel? Can you learn anything from that?
I hope you had a glorious Easter and blessings to all.
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Dr. Donna Chacko promotes health of body, mind, and spirit through her website (serenityandhealth.com), her blog, and programs at her church. She is the author of the award-winning book and Amazon best-seller Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Journey (Luminare Press, 2021). You can read her full bio here.
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