Passing Judgment
“For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself.” — Romans 2:1
I feel very uncomfortable when I judge other people and when I feel judged by other people. So, why don’t I just stop judging? And why can’t I ignore my feelings of being judged? Well, I try but it’s not always easy, as you probably know. These days we have many opportunities to make judgments because every single day we have contact with people with opposing views about Covid, politics, and much more—differences that have deeply challenged our families, neighborhoods, churches, workplaces, healthcare system, and government. I will not be addressing the rightness or wrongness of the positions each of us has taken on these issues—only the judgments we make about each other.
One thing that has helped me be less judgmental is to have people in my life whom I love and respect and who hold different views than me on subjects of great importance. In this regard, I am doubly blessed, and doubly challenged, to have two very close women friends who are smart, loving, and generous and whom I deeply love. While I am vaccinated and support the vaccine, they are not vaccinated and do not support the vaccine They are deeply committed to their position. Every fiber of their being is certain they are right. Just as I am certain I am right. We lovingly embrace an awkward peace—accepting that changing each others’ minds is not an option. They remain concerned about me and the risk of the vaccine and booster. I remain concerned they will get sick with Covid.
My relationship with these two women has helped me be more respectful of those who hold different views, but it has not cured me of judgmentalism. Last week I got sucked into a whirlwind of negative thoughts that practically made me sick—it was a situation related to Covid. I tried to calm my mind with my usual practices of praying in the moment, taking slow breaths, reframing the situation, and distracting myself, but it didn’t work. I was deeply judgmental and also was feeling judged, creating a vicious cycle of judging I couldn’t stop. For a brief moment, I was even reminded of the terrible stress and anger I had felt at the clinic in Washington when my burnout peaked, shortly before I retired.
I was deeply judgmental and also was feeling judged, creating a vicious cycle of judging I couldn’t stop.
Here’s what happened. My husband and I attend daily Mass at our local parish, where the current Covid protocol consists of wearing masks and allowing Holy Communion (the small host or wafer) to be received only in the hand, not on the tongue. Before the pandemic Catholics received communion on the tongue or in the hand depending on personal preference. Now, because the fingers of the distributor might touch the tongue of the recipient and then transmit the virus to the next person in line, temporary safety precautions are in place—precautions that vary from parish to parish.
Twice last week, though, owing to a schedule change, we ended up going to Mass at a much larger church. Masks were required. At communion time I observed from my seat half-way back in the church that about one in four of the people was receiving the communion host on the tongue. The priest had a small white towel over his forearm. He held the chalice of communion wafers in his left hand and, after placing the host on the communicants tongue, he dabbed the two fingers he’d held the host with onto the white towel. It looked like a terry cloth; it was not possible to tell if it had been pre-treated with a disinfectant.
My immediate assessment was that this was not a safe way to administer communion during a pandemic. I started feeling angry at the church, the priests…and the communicants. Did they think their personal preference was more important than the safety of others? What about the unvaccinated children and those who were immunosuppressed? I shut down these thoughts, reminded myself the risk was very low, and proceeded to receive communion.
To avoid this issue the next day, my husband and I made a plan. We would sit in the front row and be first in line for communion.
My immediate assessment was that this was not a safe way to administer communion during a pandemic. In my head I started feeling angry…
The following day during Mass when the priest came to the center aisle to distribute communion, I stood up from my front-row seat to enter the aisle to receive communion. To my shock, the usher standing there held up his hand to block me. As it turns out, there was only one communion line that day and the procedure was that the entire right half of the church would receive communion first. We were on the left side. Again, many of the communicants received on the tongue and each time the priest dabbed his fingers on the towel. By the time my turn came, I was upset and distracted, but I went ahead and received communion. I’m too embarrassed to tell you all the awful things I was thinking about my brothers and sisters in Christ— if you think of the Pharisees you’ll get the idea. And I was concerned for the unvaccinated children and But I was just as upset at myself—and confused. Didn’t I trust God enough to keep me safe? Didn’t I realize that the church leadership had received counsel about their safety precautions? Didn’t I know that the priest and the faithful receiving on the tongue were convinced they were not putting anyone at risk? Why did I presume to know the negative things they were thinking about me—”the pro-vaccine, pro-masker who wanted to take away their freedom to receive communion on the tongue.” The storm in my mind went far beyond a difference of opinion on appropriate safety guidelines.
The storm in my mind went far beyond a difference of opinion…
Am I the only one having these kinds of problems? I have close friends who prefer to receive communion on the tongue and it never bothered me before the pandemic. Why should it? There are many worship and prayer styles among the faithful. But that day I felt out of control. Once we got home, I went to my corner prayer chair to urgently ask God for wisdom, forgiveness, and humility. With time, listening, and more prayer, I found the peace of Christ and started to feel better.
What is going on? All I can think of is a Screwtape-like devil gleefully watching us fight with each other over issues and divisions he has fomented in our world. How successfully he has divided us into conflicting tribes! We disagree about what is fact, what is just, what is healthy, how to worship, what is freedom, what to do about a virus, who belongs, our history, climate change, and on and on. Some of the stress and ranting is entirely within our minds, but often it spills out as angry arguments, unbalanced or inflammatory news reports, and tart or even hateful social media posts —all which feed the cycle of judging and anger.
One thing is for sure. All this division and judgment is not healthy. Stress, suffering, and suicide are up. Life expectancy is down.* And, I think God must be sad. I don’t know about you, but I’m sad too.
One thing is for sure, all this division is not healthy.
I believe we can make changes that will bring healing.
We must focus on ourselves, our judgments and anger, and not on the “badness, stupidity, or evil” we attribute to others. This requires humble prayer and persistence.
We must learn to intentionally listen to those on the other side. They are our brothers in sisters, and Jesus told us to love them. This kind of listening doesn’t mean we must agree with them or allow ourselves to be subjected to angry rants. But we must accept we do not have the power or the right to make someone else think differently.
Critically, we must make careful, thoughtful, and prayerful choices as we live our lives. We must follow our conscience, listen to what our bodies and minds may be telling us, deliberately make our choices about health, voting, speaking out, etc., and then accept the consequences of these choices.
I’m no Pollyanna offering ridiculously simple solutions to an agonizingly complex situation. You do not hear me say this is easy. Or straightforward. No. It is messy, complicated, and there are many gray areas. But unless we turn back to Our Lord and look within ourselves, the devil will win…and I fear fractures in our families and societies will continue.
Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God.
I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.
— Isaiah 41:10
SUGGESTIONS:
Dedicate quiet time for reflection and prayer every single day to help you better know yourself and God. Your choice might be a nature walk, bible study, or specific prayer practices. I have benefited greatly by a form of meditation called Centering Prayer and from an on-the-go prayer I call God-centered mindfulness.
I encourage you to check out the Listen First Project at https://www.listenfirstproject.org/mission to learn more about how listening can heal the distrust, fear, and contempt that have polluted our air. Take their pledge: “I will listen first to understand.” I found this powerful quote on the Listen First Project website: Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable. — David Augsburger
After praying and studying, if you have a trusted friend with whom you share a deep love and respect but with whom you also deeply disagree on a subject, you might suggest a practice session in which both of you commit to non-judgmental listening to the other.
Practice civil communication by letting me know your experiences and what you think about what I shared. I know I’m not the only one struggling with the divisions in our world.
God bless each of you and I wish for you a grateful Thanksgiving!
* * Here are a few references documenting the declining health in the US brought about Covid, stress, and many other factors :
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Dr. Donna Chacko promotes health of body, mind, and spirit through her website (serenityandhealth.com), her blog, and programs at her church. She is the author of the award-winning book and Amazon best-seller Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Journey (Luminare Press, 2021). You can read her full bio here.
Additional Reading
Dr. Donna Chacko promotes health of body, mind, and spirit through her website (serenityandhealth.com), her blog, her podcast/vlog series Pop-Up Conversations on Health of Mind, Body, and Spirit, and programs at her church. She is the author of Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Journey (Luminare Press, 2021).